Yesterday lunchtime I happened to notice a youngish couple with a baby loitering next to a table in the bar and fingering one of the blankets over the back of the chairs.I presumed they were admiring it as they seemed to be stroking it in appreciation.Being a busy Saturday I didn't give it much further thought until 10 minutes later I noticed it was no longer draped over the back of the chair.
The Dentist was doing the bar,I asked her if she'd seen them move it,my first thought was that it had been lifted.
'Oh yes I remember that couple I think they're still here'
Further investigation revealed the husband still sitting at a table in the restaurant,and the seed of what had actually happened was planted in my brain.
I asked the Blonde to go and check out the Ladies bog..
Two minutes later my worst fears were confirmed.
'Biff you won't believe what I've just seen in there,that woman has taken your LAURA ASHLEY throw and spread it on the toilet floor,and Biff she's using it as a changing mat,the baby is lying on there legs akimbo bare shitty baby arse in full contact with the fabric!'
The Dentist shook her head in disbelief.
'They asked me if we had baby change facilities and I explained that we only have one loo and there just isn't space for the unit,they must have taken matters into their own hands..'
We hung around near the bar to see what would happen when she exited the loo.
Two minutes later she reappeared baby slung over one arm and my expensive bit of soft furnishing over the other,which she then nonchalantly REPLACED on the chair without giving a second thought to the next unfortunate customer who might have the bad luck to rest their persona on the soiled bit of kit..
As if it was NORMAL procedure.
I recounted the story later to Chef.
'You're having a laff aren't you?you should have added a cleaning charge to their bill its not a bloody creche its a pub and as such specialises in the sale of alcoholic drinks,babies aren't exactly our target market FFS'
Thankfully the ferocity of his response was limited by the fact that he had no idea what I'd actually paid for the Laura Ashley blanket(s) otherwise all hell might have broken loose on two fronts.
I do like bit of quality though.
People no longer seem to want to take responsibility for themselves, every need has to be catered for by some outside influence, if things continue the way they're going it won't be long before everybody will be afraid to leave the house.
Personally, I always found the back seat of the car a perfectly acceptable emergency mobile change unit rather than someone else's expensive soft furnishings..
The incident reminded me of another outrageous disregard for accepted etiquette which happened a few weeks ago.
We had a couple in for Sunday lunch,which in itself was unnoteworthy given the fact that Sunday lunch service is always heaving,but what happens next beggars belief and is possibly the worst PR fail I've come across in a long time.
I was just loading the next lot of veg into the rechauffe basket when OBBH appeared.
'Biff you will not believe what that woman on table 2 has just said'
'What now??' (with half interest,Sunday lunch service is becoming a tad predictable if nothing else).
'I asked her if she'd enjoyed everything and she said well actually I didn't think much of the food and I know good food I've got a restaurant of my own'
The cheeky cow.
The statement in itself might not have caused offence had those last five or six words tagged on at the end been omitted.
I'm not stupid enough to think that everybody is going to like what we do or even that what we do is better than what everyone else is doing,and we all go into businesses, local and otherwise and sometimes don't rate the food, but to go into another local business when you're in the trade yourself and pass judgement on what they're doing,its just not cricket is it??
It's also the worst PR favour you could do yourself.The thing is not everybody likes the same thing or even wants to go to the same place every time they go out so having a variety of similar but different businesses locally is always a good thing as you can feed off each other.I'm not saying we sent people over to this particular business every week but customers do ask for recommendations or people call in asking if there is anywhere in the particular direction they're going,then yes we would and have in the past given directions to this place on a number of occasions.
BUT READER,ALL HELL WILL FREEZE OVER BEFORE I SEND A FURTHER PUNTER OVER THERE.
'Is she still here?' I was already on my way out to tackle her in person,but too late she had gone.
A quick check in the reservations diary revealed the name under which the booking had been made.
A subsequent google search revealed the name of a local business owner.
Reader,isn't google image search the best tool to hit the internet since the dawn of the global information superhighway.
'Yes thats her,definitely..'
Who the fuck did she think she was,thinking she could surrepticiously come into my pub make disrespectful throwaway comments whilst the whole time expecting to remain incognito?
Well,no stone unturned *bangs fist on table* no stone unturned I tell you..
By this time we were all giggling that she hadn't bargained on Christine Cagney's finely honed investigative skills and would have no idea that she'd been so quickly rumbled.
In a fortuitous twist of fate,further enquiries revealed that the perpetrator conveniently happened to be following the pub Twitter account.
A quick follow back and Hey Presto! a direct line of communication was established..
Reader,I composed a very polite and well thought out DM informing her that I regretted to hear there'd been a problem with her meal and normally I like to deal with complaints in person, etc etc…
There's nothing annoys a complainer more than when you're nice to them..
I showed the message to the Blonde.
'Biff, she will have shit herself when that popped into her inbox..'
'I know,its perfect isn't it?'
We sat back and purred like a couple of butcher's cats in anticipation of the reply which must surely come soon.
Two days later and with no response forthcoming we were becoming a bit bored with the situation.
I noticed her Twitter account had fallen inactive which we judged to be probably a bit of skullduggery on her part to make me think she hadn't received the DM.
A week later and still no response.
'Well.. all that effort was a complete waste of time wasn't it?' said Chef .. 'the simple question you should have been asking yourself is: would we have time to swan over to their restaurant and eat a leisurely lunch on a Sunday'
'Well,no of course not'
'I rest my case..she was probably annoyed that this place was so busy'
'Well actually my efforts weren't wasted'
'Well she knows that I know that she came in here and cast rude social grenades..'
(this is all getting very Mapp and Lucia..isnt it?)
|Two women slag each other off in quaint village|
'Well that bitch won't be darkening my door again will she?'
I'd call that a win.