Fickle and swarthy, the Blighter's cocked his flaming hoop in my direction way too often,cunningly leading me on with his diversionary complimentary tales,stroking my ego and gaining my confidence only to ditch me like the Monday leftovers at the Toby Carvery (who the feck eats Auntie Bessies on a weekday anyway??).
Lately though, Ive been giving him the cold shoulder.
Plotting my revenge.
I hatched a plan.
To gain the upper hand.
To be NUMBER ONE.
I identified two ways to achieve this objective:
1.Never have a defamatory review(tricky,though not impossible)
2.Be the only pub in the village(bingo)
The fact of being grouped along with countless other outlets under the geographic restraints of nearby *small market town* posing a slight though not insurmountable hurdle.
A minor inconvenience.
Unbeknownst to Chef I contacted said on line review site pointing out our location in *out of town hamlet* asking them kindly to amend their records forthwith,this being both misleading and confusing to customers and surfers of on line review sites alike.
I was dubious as to the expected success of my ambitious assault but God LOVES a trier, so I sat back and basked in the joyous warmth of the half dozen complimentary reviews over the following two week period fully anticipating the vicious drubbing which would invariably follow soon afterwards.
Perchance Sunday night, having a few spare moments and with Chef being otherwise engaged in usual Sunday night pokery with pals,I chanced a cursory glance at said site.
Would you believe it Dear Reader?
I was NUMERO UNO!!
NUMERO UNO of NUMERO UNO outlets in village.
I HAZ GAINED THE UPPER HAND.
Unable to contain my excitement and having shared the news with a brace of carefully chosen pals,and with much jollity ensuing, a couple of celebratory laps of the bar with m't shirt over my head were the order of the day.
Reader,I haven't had so much fun in ages,I was in possession of serious and prolonged giggling pain.
Its true...I'm easily pleased.
'I wish you'd act your age' said Chef without even looking up from his winning hand.
The following morning,in a cruel twist of fate and whilst firing up said review site to admire and check on ones top drawer status,it came to pass that we'd had yet another stinker of a review.
But hey its cool,because ...guess what?...Im still NUMERO UNO!!!
In your face Tw**advisor.
PS:Im thinking about setting up a TA optimisation advisory service,all enquiries via this blog please:)