We hosted our annual Burns Supper last night.
A relatively casual affair,consisting of Haggis pie,comprising a pastry crust filled with Macsween's haggis,topped with mashed tatty, served up with Neep Crush(inspired by the Royal Family Christmas Day Carrot Crush).Obviously lubricated down by copious quantities of assorted single malts,which in truth was the whole point of the evening.
A slightly down-market menu,though not as desperate as the concoction produced by a particularly docile Chef I once came across, who failed to fully research the constituent ingredients of that traditional Burns Night treat Cranachan.Choosing instead to mix a box of Scotts porage oats with freeze dried raspberries then baking the mix on a flat in the oven until a dried gooey mess,which stuck in ones craw,he served up his creation with a dollop of synthetic cream and inventively renamed the dish Cranacake....
In keeping with the tawdry theme,just to give you a flavour, here's the Toast to the Lassies:
O Lassie art thou sleeping yet,
Or art thou awake and wantin' a bit?
The Viagra has worked-see the size o' it,
And I would fain be in,jo.
O let me in this ae night,
When ma cock for once is big an' tight;
Ye can even keep oan the light,
O gonnae let me in,jo.
Thou knows am gettin' on in years,
And impotency has caused us monie tears;
So I drown ma sorrow wae strong beers,
But I would fain be in ,jo
So I bought a wee packet oan e Bay,
A kings ransom I hud tae pay;
And I swallowed them awe today,
So for Chriss sake let me in,jo.
and the Reply to the toast to the Lassies:
O tell na me 'bout yer pain,
For it only fills me wae disdain;
This neet for sure yer gettin' nane,
O I widnae let ye in,jo.
Ye've wasted money on stupid pills,
In the hope o' gettin yer kinky thrills;
But ye'd better a paid money bills,
For I wouldnae let ye in,jo.
I tell ye now this ae night,
Tho' yer cock's as big as a bulls delight;
Ye can wank away for awe yer might,
For yer gettin sweet FO, Jo.
So go take out yer ancient Razzle now,
And wank away tae some filthy cow;
Jist get oot o' ma sight any how
Cos yer damn no' gettin' in ,jo.
We're quite a classy lot aren't we?
In an effort to redress the balance and claw back some semblance of a reputation,this arrived today;
in spite of our rudimentary latrine arrangements..